Our 4th

It's been about 9 months since the beginning stages of our 2nd frozen embryo transfer (FET) in which we transferred our 4th and final embryo. Although I've come to a place of healing (but not without some tricky intermittent grief) I had been putting off recording the details here because I was still working on being ready to put it down into words. But today, I'm ready.

Our 1st FET (exactly a year ago today, May 4, 2016) ended in miscarriage in June 2016 and we began our 2nd FET cycle in August 2016. The details are lined out as follows:

August 2016 - August 1, 2016, a few days into my cycle, I began taking the prescribed Necon birth control which is the first medication in FET protocol.

August 10, 2016 I began giving myself daily Lupron injections in the abdomen. Lupron prevents ovulation during a FET cycle which would throw off timing of uterine receptivity.

August 16, 2016 I took my last birth control pill.

August 24, 2016 I began wearing estradiol (estrogen) patches on my abdomen to thicken and mature uterine lining.

September 2016 - September 9, 2016 Tom began giving me nightly intramuscular (IM) progesterone injections in the glutes. Progesterone is also used to prepare and mature uterine lining.

September 14, 2016 At 2:45pm our 4th and final blastocsyt was transferred to my uterus.

September 20, 2016 We left for Walt Disney World early in the morning and I continued patching and injecting medications while we were on our trip. I never began to feel early pregnancy symptoms like I had several days after our IVF and 1st FET. Instinctually I knew this FET did not work but I still tested twice with the HPT's I had packed. Not surprisingly, both of the HPT's were negative.

September 23, 2016 Originally, I was scheduled to have my pregnancy test blood-work at the clinic this day, but we were still in Florida.

September 26, 2016 A day after we arrived home from our trip, I went into the clinic for my official pregnancy test and as I expected, it was negative for pregnancy.

Although it wasn't the news we were desiring and our hearts were broken once again, I felt a huge sense of relief. The relief came from knowing that after all the trying, testing, tracking, appointments, injections, blood draws, ultrasounds, patches, pills, procedures, and waiting, I didn't have to undergo any further fertility treatments. After 4 IUI's, 1 fresh cycle of IVF, and 2 FETs, we are closing the chapter that we opened 8 years ago in January 2009 when we decided we were ready to start a family. Out of this chapter of our journey, we received 2 precious children that we realize now more than ever are complete miracles (who somehow will be turning 5 this Saturday!!). Even being almost a year removed from our 1st FET/miscarriage, we're still continuing to process the final phase of our fertility journey. I notice how my heart reacts differently to certain triggers now and I can look back and see the healing that has taken place. Together we have taken steps to obtain more closure for our hearts and we're ready for this new chapter with our family.

Unmet Baby

Post commenced Sunday, May 29, 2016

This is hard but I'm pushing through the hard because although recalling these details is painful, I know I will be thankful that I did. Out of ease and because I'm at a loss on how to eloquently organize all my thoughts, I am just going to format most of this in a timeline/list.

This is the story of our unmet baby...

January 2016 - After nearly a year of losing weight, getting into shape, meeting goals, and preparing mentally, Tom and I came to a point where we were ready to expand our family. For us, expanding means the pursuit of further fertility treatments. Our IVF cycle that gave us Grady & Wren also gave us 2 embryos to freeze for the future. We scheduled a consult with our doctor to discuss our next steps. 

February 2016 - On February 24, 2016, we had a our consultation with Dr. Hansen. We decided after my next cycle began that we were ready to pursue a frozen embryo transfer (FET) using one of our remaining embryos. 

March 2016 - On March 1, 2016, a few days into my cycle, I began taking the prescribed Necon birth control which is the first medication in FET protocol.

March 28, 2016 I began giving myself daily Lupron injections in the abdomen. Lupron prevents ovulation during a FET cycle which would throw off timing of uterine receptivity.

April 2016 - On April 3, 2016 I took my last birth control pill. 

April 11, 2016 I began wearing estradiol (estrogen) patches on my abdomen to thicken and mature uterine lining.

May 2016 - On May 1, 2016 Tom began giving me nightly intramuscular (IM) progesterone injections in the glutes. Progesterone is also used to prepare and mature uterine lining.

May 4, 2016 At 2:45pm one beautiful, thawed, grade 5BA blastocsyt was transferred to my uterus.

May 10, 2016 I took a home pregnancy test (HPT) and it was positive!!

 The pic I sent to Tom at work showing our HPT results

May 13, 2016 I had my first beta blood test to measure my hcg levels (hcg stands for human chorionic gonadotropin and is the hormone produced by the embryo after implantation). The results were not favorable as they were only at 15.9 and they want to see them around 50-100 by that point in pregnancy.

May 14, 2016 I stopped feeling the pregnancy symptoms I was having which gave me concern and led me to take another HPT. It registered as negative.

May 17, 2016 I went in for more blood work which showed my hcg rose abnormally to 28 (it is supposed to double every 48 hours). Because of the initial low hcg number and the sub-optimal/abnormal rise I was advised to discontinue hormone therapy of estrogen patches and progesterone injections.

May 19, 2016 I returned to the clinic for more blood work which showed my hcg rose to 92.3. This took us all by surprise and reintroduced a glimmer of hope that maybe we weren't loosing this pregnancy after all. We were given the option to resume hormone therapy, which we did to give this baby the best chance possible. Later that evening I began bleeding. 

May 20, 2016 [5th week of pregnancy by FET calculations] I had an ultrasound, which didn't show anything because 5 weeks is too early to see anything, but they wanted to check my endometrial thickness among other things. I had more blood work which showed that my hcg rose again to 174. At this appointment Dr. Burks informed me that in situations like these they have reasonable concern that we could be dealing with an ectopic pregnancy (meaning a pregnancy located somewhere other than inside the uterus - in a fallopian tube, on an ovary, etc). We discussed the options I had going forward of how to handle an ectopic pregnancy but I was told we weren't quite to that point and that we would continue with "expectant management" (meaning close monitoring of what was going on inside of me via ultrasound and also continued monitoring of my hcg levels via blood work).

May 23, 2016 More blood work, hcg rose sub-optimally to 195 and I was advised to again discontinue hormone therapy.

May 26, 2016 Blood work, hcg rose to 246.

May 27, 2016 [6th week of pregnancy by FET calculations] Ultrasound and blood work, hcg rose to 264. By this point hcg should not have remained this low with a series of abnormal/sub-optimal rises. Dr. Quaas did not see anything on the ultrasound that would typically be seen by 6 weeks of pregnancy. Due to abnormal conditions the ultrasound was inconclusive and they consider this a "pregnancy of unknown location." It cannot be successfully determined if the pregnancy is inside or outside the uterus. All that is known is that there is some fetal or placental tissue somewhere that is continuing to produce hcg.

There are 3 ways to treat this type of situation:

1.)   Continue with expectant management (monitoring via ultrasound and blood work)

2.)  Methotrexate injection (a chemo drug also used to treat ectopic pregnancies)

3.)  Uterine evacuation surgery (similar to a D&C)

Dr. Hansen called me on the afternoon of May 27, 2016 to further discuss the latest hcg level and ultrasound and he asked me which treatment option we had chosen. We chose to discontinue expectant management as it was proving that my body was not processing things on its own. We chose not to do uterine evacutation surgery because if the pregnancy was undetectable and not located in the uterus then there was a possibility that surgery would not be successful. That left us with methotrexate.

May 28, 2016 At 8:30am I received 2 IM injections of methotrexate. After the injection there are 2 more follow-up appointments for blood work to assess if hcg levels have fallen by the appropriate amount. If hcg does not fall appropriately, another dose of methotrexate is required. 

June 2016 - June 1, 2016 Day 4 post-injection follow-up blood work, hcg rose to 332.

June 4, 2016 Day 7 post-injection blood work, hcg finally dropped but only to 330. Since it did not drop by 15% from day 4 to day 7, I had to have another dose of methotrexate.

June 6, 2016 Second round of methotrexate injections. If this round does not work, surgery will be required.

June 10, 2016 Day 4 post-injection follow-up blood work, hcg fell to 201.

June 13, 2016 Day 7 post-injection follow-up blood work, hcg fell by more than the required 15% to 128.

June 21, 2016 blood work to continue monitoring hcg, which will be repeated until hcg is negative.

Pure Joy

Last Sunday, September 9, our pastor began a sermon series in James, with the first installment entitled "Suffering" over James 1:1-18. 

Our good friend Derek Watson, owner of Lampstand Media, was asked to put together a video of Tom and I to pair with part of the sermon. Derek wanted to capture our trial of infertility. I REALLY don't like seeing or hearing myself like this, but I am so glad we have part of our story captured by an incredibly talented documentary filmmaker such as Derek.

To watch the video, please go here: James 1:2-4 on Vimeo. In case you are interested in seeing the sermon notes from this sermon, follow this link or click on the image below.

James 1:1-18 [NIV]

James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: Greetings.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their position. But the rich should take pride in the humiliation--since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created." 

This Year

Today, on this first day of the year, I have been thinking on the things that will be in 2012.  Although, I can't help but revisit this time 1 year ago as 2011 was beginning. Tom and I were sitting in a booth one evening on a date at Cheesecake Factory discussing our thoughts on the new year. On that date I presented my theme of HOPE for 2011. I wanted to focus on practicing the discipline of constantly realigning my HOPE in Christ alone, regardless of life's circumstances.  I also presented that I still had the hope of having a child, but that specific hope was not my foundation.

I can assure you, although 2011 began with much HOPE, it was quickly met with repeated heartache, disappointment, and struggles that undoubtedly caused my HOPE to wax and wane.  The 4 fertility treatments we started the year with did not work.  We moved on to more aggressive treatments and I did not have a child in 2011.  BUT, the burden of infertility was lifted and we learned that we will have 2 children in 2012!  I still carry infertility with me in my heart, it doesn't just go away as soon as that test turns positive.  I can still empathize 100% with those still in the throes of infertility's pain. I still carry the journey and the lessons that the Lord taught me as I was waiting.  Let me just say with a sincere heart, God is faithful.  I do not say He is faithful just because He answered my specific prayer.  He would still be faithful even if He chose not to.  I'd like to borrow some phraseology from one of my favorite hymns [Great is Thy Faithfulness] to convey why He is faithful:

He changes not

His compassions fail not

As He has been, He forever will be

He pardons our sin

His peace endures

He provides strength for today

And a bright HOPE for tomorrow

I am excitedly greeting 2012 with open arms.  This year I will celebrate 6 years of marriage to my best friend and we will meet our first 2 children.  I cannot wait to see what else is in store for us in the months ahead.

Happy New Year!

The Details: Weeks 4-10

On Wednesday, October 19, we got the results of our IVF pregnancy blood test. We were pretty sure going into the pregnancy test appointment that we were going to get good news because I cheated with 3 home pregnancy tests (all 3 were positive) on the 3 days leading up to my official pregnancy test. We both left work early that Wednesday and waited for the nurse to call my cell phone.  While waiting at home, I was heating up the iron to make a "Big Sister" shirt for Ruby in the middle bedroom and Tom suggested that we stay in that bedroom so we could get the official news in there, since that is the room that will be turned into the nursery.  I thought it was a great idea.  So together, Tom, Ruby, and I sat in the floor of the middle bedroom and waited for my phone to ring. It rang and I quickly picked it up on speaker and we got confirmation that our lives would soon be changed forever. My nurse told us it was a "very" positive pregnancy test [my hcg levels were at 209, which they usually want to see them in the 100's]!

On Friday, October 21, I went back in for more blood work to make sure my hcg levels had doubled over 48 hours. They more than doubled to 445, which was great news. Our first ultrasound was on Tuesday, November 8, which marked my 7th week of pregnancy. At the first ultrasound appointment, we found out that we are having TWINS!!!  I kept saying, "Oh my goodness, oh my goodness" over and over. Tom and I were so speechless after the appointment that we had to regroup in the parking lot of our doctor's office before we got in our separate cars to head to work. Tom hugged and kissed me goodbye and then he looked at me and said, "I can't even remember how to get to work." After we both got to our workplaces, I got an email from him that said, "I'm hyperventilating, I can't breathe!"  Ha! We are both over the moon excited, but it's taken some time to process going from nearly 3 years of infertility [an extreme roller coaster ride], to finding out we are pregnant, to finding out we are going to have not 1, but 2 babies!

On Tuesday, November 22, the beginning of my 9th week of pregnancy, we had our 2nd ultrasound. We saw both babies again and heard both of their heartbeats for the first time! It was such an amazing sound! One heartbeat was 158 and the other was 180, strong and healthy. They were still measuring a little on the small side as they did at the first ultrasound. Because of that, I was not released from my fertility specialists.  My 9 week ultrasound would have been my last visit with them, but they wanted to see me one more time at 10 weeks to measure the babies again.

On Tuesday, November 29, I began my 10th week of pregnancy and had a third ultrasound with my specialist. It was my last appointment with them for this pregnancy. :( It's bittersweet to not have any more appointments with them because they are all so wonderful, but I have graduated on. :) I will begin seeing a regular OB/GYN in my 11th week. Here are some pics of my little ones. Baby A looks like a little gummie bear! ;) They were moving around SO much and kicking their little feet and waving their little hands. My doctor said they were feisty and healthy! One heartbeat was in the 170's and one was in the 180's. What miracles! It is just completely amazing that there are two lives growing inside of me.  I cannot even fully comprehend it!  God is faithful.

Timeline Update 3

Timeline Update 2 left off at the beginning of July...so let me continue here with the rest of July forward...

July 2011: On Tuesday, July 19, we had our IVF consultation with Dr. Hansen. He went over the details of the IVF process with us and we had a chance to have any of our preliminary questions answered. Dr. Hansen confirmed that we could begin IVF meds in September. At our consultation, we learned that the first step of the IVF process is to take birth control pills to suppress the ovaries. I found it rather ironic that birth control is the first step of the IVF treatment process.

August 2011: On August 10, I began taking Necon birth control pills. [Btw, Me + birth control = crazy train!]

September 2011: On September 11, I began Lupron injections. Lupron is a medication that prevents ovulation until the appropriate time. I stopped taking Necon birth control pills on September 17. [Hallelujah!] I took Necon for a total of 5 1/2 weeks. [Never again!] On September 23, I added Gonal F injections and Menopur injections to my daily Lupron injections. Here's a pic of all my IVF medications, supplies, and my calendar/paperwork in my Rubbermaid container to keep it all straight. Receiving all the medications and instructions was all quite overwhelming. I need to issue a big THANKS to my IVF nurse, Connie, who reminded me to take it one day at a time. And I would pass that same advice on to anyone else who is going through something similar.  On September 29, I concluded the daily injections of Gonal F.

Scenes from a fertility med junkie...

October 2011:  On October 2, I concluded the daily injections of Lupron and Menopur. I took my hCG injection as the clock struck midnight on the morning of October 3. The hCG injection HAD to be administered exactly 35 hours before the retrieval.  My egg retrieval surgery was done on October 4, and it went really well - 17 eggs were retrieved!  Of the 17 eggs that were retrieved, 12 were mature and usable.  From the 12 that were mature, 10 were fertilized! We did a day 5 transfer (retrieval day is day 0). On October 9, 2 embryos were transferred into my womb. Of the 8 embryos that were left,  2 were candidates to be frozen for the future.  Because we believe that life begins at conception, we are ethically and morally committed to using our 2 frozen embryos and feel very fortunate that we have this option.

I am not disclosing when we will find out the results of this IVF cycle. Unfortunately, we won't really be able to surprise our close friends and family because they have all been on this journey with us.  I had always longed to be able to make a completely "surprise" announcement, but having this journey and being open about it has kind of robbed us of this luxury.  But, it has afforded us the benefit of receiving immeasurable amounts of love, support, prayers, and encouragement - which I am beyond grateful for.  With that being said, we have chosen to keep the exact date of our pregnancy test and the results private until we are ready to share.

Timeline Update 2

Written on June 25, July 5, and July 7, 2011

June 2011: On Wednesday, June 15, we had our first appointment to begin IUI Round 4. We did 7 days of Menopur shots. At our appointment on Wednesday, June 22, I was given the hCG trigger shot. [The hCG trigger shot contains the hormone human chorionic gonadotropin, which causes final maturation of eggs followed by ovulation within 12 to 48 hours of administration.] Our 4th insemination was done on Thursday, June 23. On Thursday, June 30, I had my 1 week post IUI check-up appointment. It showed that I ovulated 2 or 3 eggs.

July 2011: The morning of July 4, my body began telling me that it was not pregnant. My official pregnancy test appointment was today, July 7, 2011. And just like the final appointments for the previous 3 rounds, I knew the outcome before the final Round 4 appointment.

Where do we go from here? Well, we have decided to undergo more aggressive fertility treatments, which will be totally unrelated to the IUI study. Since we have exhausted 4 Rounds of IUI's, the study has been concluded for us as participants. [The study is however still in progress for new and existing participants.] We have a consultation appointment with our doctor in a week and half to discuss our further treatment option. At this time, we do not have a date in which we will actually begin the next step.

It's hard to understand this journey, in fact, it really can't be understood. I have to keep reminding myself, His ways are higher than mine. And I will continue to claim the verse below.

Timeline Update 1

Written on May 4, May 10, & May 17, 2011

Sorry for the continued heavy blog content. But, it's update time - and this is real life...

April 2011: On Friday, April 22nd, I went to my first appointment for IUI Round 3. We did 7 days of shots and had the actual insemination on Saturday, April 30th. As I type this, I am 2 days shy of being 1 week into the LONG two week wait (TWW). The TWW is the time you must wait between the time of ovulation/IUI and testing for pregnancy.

May 2011: On Friday, May 6th, I had my 1 week post IUI check-up appointment just to take a look at my follicles, lining and such. I may have only had 2 eggs this round, which isn't much better than a normal cycle w/o meds.

On Saturday, May 14th, I had my appointment to determine pregnancy. I knew the answer was 'not pregnant' beforehand because my body doesn't even make it through the TWW before it tells me itself that I'm not pregnant. So, the pregnancy test appointment has just been a formality for me. I had prepared for a resting month after Round 3 and my Dr. determined it wasn't needed. That would normally be good news, but because I planned on having to take a resting month, we scheduled to go on vacation with friends. The vacation falls smack dab in the middle of when we would need to be seeing the Dr., so we could not proceed immediately with Round 4. We essentially took a resting month on our own terms. Good thing the study allows participants to take 1 resting cycle. Kinda ironic that the only round where we could have immediately progressed, we actually couldn't because of scheduling and not due to my body. I'm taking this in stride and trying to remember it is not about MY timing. We also need to go ahead and live our life and get out of the infertility holding pattern. I'm done giving infertility so much control and being defined by it. I firmly believe our getaway/vacation with friends is going to be a much needed rest for my soul.

Signs of HOPE

Since the beginning of the year I have acquired several tangible reminders of my theme of HOPE. The first one I acquired was on the 70% off shelf after Christmas at Hobby Lobby. After I settled on the theme, I wanted something to set out in my room so that every time I looked at it, I would remember where my HOPE lies.

My sweet friend gave me this Urban Soul sign inspired by Hebrews 6:19 "We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..." It is displayed on a wall shelf in my living room.

I purchased this necklace for myself from the vintage pearl. It's kind of hard to read below, but it simply says [hope.] with one freshwater pearl hanging next to it.

While I was comparison shopping for HOPE necklaces online, I found a necklace by lisa leonard designs with an Emily Dickinson quote on it. This was my inspiration for the word art below (which I've blogged about before over here). I have it displayed in the bumped out window ledge in our office.

Timeline

I'm still struggling with being really personal on here, but God has definitely used some of you lovelies to really encourage me since my last post. For that, I am more grateful than you will ever know. I want to map out a timeline of our journey. I know mapping out a timeline of something you are struggling with seems a little odd…why would you want to remember the details of something painful? My reasoning: I don't want to forget where I've been, what God has taught me through this, and where He's brought me. I'm a list maker, and a timeline is a list of sorts, right? Bottom line, if I don't make lists - I get sidetracked and forgetful. :/ I am out of my comfort zone sharing the details below, but I know that I've been ministered to by reading the blogs of others who have struggled with infertility. It would be an honor if by stepping out of my comfort zone to share these personal things, I could help someone who is walking this journey too.

December 2008: Tom and I were preparing for a 2 week mission trip to Cambodia with a team from our church. We had decided a few months prior that we were ready to start a family but wanted to wait until after we got back from Cambodia. Since it was decided, I did not refill my birth control prescription at the end of December 2008.

January 2009 - December 2009: We got back from Cambodia and tried unsuccessfully for a year. [*Side Note, if you are under the age of of 30ish with no pre-existing medical conditions, most doctors don't want to see you for fertility until you've tried on your own for a year.]

January 2010: After a year with no results, we visited my OB/GYN for a fertility consult. She scheduled some blood tests and a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test for me and an analysis for Tom.

February 2010: The HSG was completed and my results were perfectly normal. Tom's analysis was completed with normal results too. With the news that we were 'normal,' we continued trying on our own. [*Side Note, after being told by our health insurance company that fertility testing would be covered, we learned after-the-fact that they would not honor what they had previously told us. Neither Fertility Testing nor Treatments are covered by our health insurance company.]

June 2010: We had another appointment and more blood work with my OB/GYN to discuss our next steps. At that point my doctor decided I may have a luteal phase defect and she put me on 6 months of progesterone therapy.

October 2010: Tom and I decided that we would not exhaust all 6 months of the progesterone therapy because it wasn't proving to be successful. I then contacted the Department of Reproductive Medicine at OU Physicians to set up an appointment with a Fertility Specialist. This was a scary step for me because as I mentioned earlier, our health insurance would not cover anything fertility related. Reaching this point took a lot of soul searching, praying, and discussion.

November 2010: Tom and I had an appointment with our specialist, Dr. Karl Hansen, at OU on November 23^rd. During the appointment we discussed at length the results of all of our previous testing and our plan of action for future fertility treatments. Due to the course of action that my regular OB/GYN took with us, we would soon be able to begin a treatment plan with Dr. Hansen without having to be stalled for the preliminary fertility testing through OU. He informed us that because we fall into the 'unexplained fertility' category and we had been trying for over a year, we qualified to participate in a clinical trial by Yale University called AMIGOS. This trial consists of fertility treatments called IUIs in conjunction with 3 different fertility medications. Regardless of whether or not we participated in the study, Dr. Hansen told us that his plan for us would be 4 rounds of IUIs in conjunction with a fertility medication (it is standard procedure for couples in our situation to begin with IUI treatments).

The kicker to participating in the AMIGOS trial is, ALL COSTS ARE COVERED - THERE ARE NO COSTS FOR US AS PARTICIPANTS! Also, the trial allows for up to 4 rounds of IUIs. This is a HUGE blessing from God that we were not facing the financial burden of paying for 1 to possibly 4 rounds of IUIs!! We decided to participate in the trial and we rejoiced in this gift we had been given.

December 2010: We took some breathing time to process everything and try to live as normal as possible until the trial started. I also went into OU for some preliminary base-line blood work before the trial began.

January 2011: We went into OU the first week of January for our first trial appointment. A computer randomized me to the type of medication I would be taking leading up to the IUI procedure. I was randomized to an injectable FSH medication (which is the strongest medication in the trial). From this point on, the FSH is the only medication I will take in this trial. This was good news to me that we were working with the "good stuff." [*Each of the 3 medications used in the trial are currently being used and are safe medications for the treatment of infertility. None are of them are new and dangerous, and none of them are placebos.]

We started our shots on January 7^th, and had the IUI procedure on January 14^th. Towards the end of January, we found out that Round 1 did not work. We also got the bad news that we could not immediately progress with Round 2 because of a minor setback with my body. Due to the setback, we were ordered to take a resting month (a month w/o treatment) before Round 2.

February 2011: At the end of February we started the shots for Round 2. [*Side Note, we celebrated our 5^th Wedding Anniversary on the 25^th of February!]

March 2011: On March 10^th we had our 2^nd IUI. In the third week of March we found out Round 2 did not work. My body had the same setback/reaction again which required another resting month.

April 2011: And here we are now, April 13^th, just resting from treatments and waiting to begin Round 3.

Whew, that was a lot of detail to recall! And to those who have read up to this point, bravo for sticking with the run on sentences! But, I'm glad I have this all typed out and in once place now. I also want to note, we LOVE Dr. Hansen, Dr. Craig, our nurse Michelle, and the whole staff up at OU's Department of Reproductive Medicine. Having a good team of doctors and nurses to help you through this kind of thing is a tremendous blessing.

Struggles

I've always secretly envied people who lay their lives out like an open book on their blog. I struggle deeply with whether or not to share personal issues on my blog or to just keep it light-hearted. I wouldn't say I'm a closed-off super private person, but I'm not one to share my life story with any 'ol person behind me in the grocery store line either. And to share personal things on a blog is way more public than the grocery store; it's the World Wide Web for Pete's sake! It's so easy to just keep my blog content 'surface-y' and show you what recipes I like to make or what craft I just tackled. But for a while now I've longed to share what's REALLY going on in my life and how it is affecting me. My desired purposes in getting real and raw on my blog are to hopefully a.) Have a journal of sorts to document my 'journey'; b.) To encourage someone who can relate to my situation; and c.) To receive encouragement from someone who has been in my situation. I'm sitting here at my keyboard at an impasse, how to do I jump into being real and raw after not being so?

Let me begin by saying the journey I previously referred to is my struggle with unexplained infertility. My husband and I have been on this infertility journey for a little over 2 years now. THIS. IS. HUGE. If you have never experienced infertility, it is hard for me to explain and thoroughly convey the complexities of it. For starters, it is a dark thing that brings with it a feeling of being trapped. One thing it has trapped me into is silence. It's not really great fodder for conversation and it has the potential to make things really awkward. People don't know how to react or what to say about it, so I've found sometimes it's just easier to not talk about it. Plus when you do open up and talk about it, you run the risk of hearing people say some really platitudinal things to you. For example: "Don't stress about it so much and it will happen;" or "Maybe if you start the adoption process you'll get pregnant;" or "You've got plenty of time, you are still so young."

First of all, telling someone who is going through the emotional pain of infertility along with the physical aspects of infertility [the initial fertility testing, injectable medications, frequent doctor visits, numerous invasive ultrasounds, massive amounts of blood work, etc., etc.] not to stress is a little trite. Ha, if only it were that easy. I want to sarcastically respond, "Thanks for the advice, I hadn't thought of that!"

Second, telling someone who is struggling with infertility to start the adoption process only in hopes of getting pregnant is THE ABSOLUTE WRONG reason to begin the adoption process. I will go no further on that topic.

Lastly, the "You're still young" comment is not comforting or helpful. Yes, I may be in my late 20's, but even with that on my side, I'm still experiencing infertility. And if I have to try for several more years to find an answer or a treatment that works for me, then I won't be so "young" anymore. What if it takes me 3 more years to have our 1^st child? There is no telling how long it may take to have children after that. I'm actually very glad that we chose to start trying for a family in our mid 20's, it would be an even bigger race against my biological clock if we had decided to wait until our 30's to start trying. Regardless of my age, my heart's desire is to be a mommy and nurture a child. When that desire fills your heart, but your arms and womb remain empty, it doesn't matter if you are a spring chicken or not – you can't put an age on that.

I didn't mean for this post to turn into a soapbox rant, but this has proven to be therapeutic, another added benefit to blogging about my journey. :) I have been extremely challenged in this journey. I am a Type A/Planner by nature and let's just say this was NOT in my plans. God has been stretching me and teaching me through all of this, I know that through adversity comes strength.

While my husband and I were on a date in the beginning of January 2011, I told him I wanted to choose the two-fold theme of HOPE for this year. I felt that focusing on a theme/discipline for the year sounded less intimidating than making a resolution. I debated whether or not to tell him what I'd chosen for fear that he would think it was intangible and silly. But he was so supportive and wanted to join with me. So, together as our little family of 2, we decided that we would practice the discipline of constantly realigning our HOPE in the Lord. My two-fold HOPE: I have HOPE that I will be a mommy someday, but regardless of life's circumstances and whether or not we get pregnant, we will HOPE in Him alone.

This has been a SUPER long post but I want to end it with two verses I'm currently claiming:

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer."

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE we profess, for He who has promised is faithful."

Stay tuned for more 'real' posts about my/our journey. :)