Struggles

I've always secretly envied people who lay their lives out like an open book on their blog. I struggle deeply with whether or not to share personal issues on my blog or to just keep it light-hearted. I wouldn't say I'm a closed-off super private person, but I'm not one to share my life story with any 'ol person behind me in the grocery store line either. And to share personal things on a blog is way more public than the grocery store; it's the World Wide Web for Pete's sake! It's so easy to just keep my blog content 'surface-y' and show you what recipes I like to make or what craft I just tackled. But for a while now I've longed to share what's REALLY going on in my life and how it is affecting me. My desired purposes in getting real and raw on my blog are to hopefully a.) Have a journal of sorts to document my 'journey'; b.) To encourage someone who can relate to my situation; and c.) To receive encouragement from someone who has been in my situation. I'm sitting here at my keyboard at an impasse, how to do I jump into being real and raw after not being so?

Let me begin by saying the journey I previously referred to is my struggle with unexplained infertility. My husband and I have been on this infertility journey for a little over 2 years now. THIS. IS. HUGE. If you have never experienced infertility, it is hard for me to explain and thoroughly convey the complexities of it. For starters, it is a dark thing that brings with it a feeling of being trapped. One thing it has trapped me into is silence. It's not really great fodder for conversation and it has the potential to make things really awkward. People don't know how to react or what to say about it, so I've found sometimes it's just easier to not talk about it. Plus when you do open up and talk about it, you run the risk of hearing people say some really platitudinal things to you. For example: "Don't stress about it so much and it will happen;" or "Maybe if you start the adoption process you'll get pregnant;" or "You've got plenty of time, you are still so young."

First of all, telling someone who is going through the emotional pain of infertility along with the physical aspects of infertility [the initial fertility testing, injectable medications, frequent doctor visits, numerous invasive ultrasounds, massive amounts of blood work, etc., etc.] not to stress is a little trite. Ha, if only it were that easy. I want to sarcastically respond, "Thanks for the advice, I hadn't thought of that!"

Second, telling someone who is struggling with infertility to start the adoption process only in hopes of getting pregnant is THE ABSOLUTE WRONG reason to begin the adoption process. I will go no further on that topic.

Lastly, the "You're still young" comment is not comforting or helpful. Yes, I may be in my late 20's, but even with that on my side, I'm still experiencing infertility. And if I have to try for several more years to find an answer or a treatment that works for me, then I won't be so "young" anymore. What if it takes me 3 more years to have our 1^st child? There is no telling how long it may take to have children after that. I'm actually very glad that we chose to start trying for a family in our mid 20's, it would be an even bigger race against my biological clock if we had decided to wait until our 30's to start trying. Regardless of my age, my heart's desire is to be a mommy and nurture a child. When that desire fills your heart, but your arms and womb remain empty, it doesn't matter if you are a spring chicken or not – you can't put an age on that.

I didn't mean for this post to turn into a soapbox rant, but this has proven to be therapeutic, another added benefit to blogging about my journey. :) I have been extremely challenged in this journey. I am a Type A/Planner by nature and let's just say this was NOT in my plans. God has been stretching me and teaching me through all of this, I know that through adversity comes strength.

While my husband and I were on a date in the beginning of January 2011, I told him I wanted to choose the two-fold theme of HOPE for this year. I felt that focusing on a theme/discipline for the year sounded less intimidating than making a resolution. I debated whether or not to tell him what I'd chosen for fear that he would think it was intangible and silly. But he was so supportive and wanted to join with me. So, together as our little family of 2, we decided that we would practice the discipline of constantly realigning our HOPE in the Lord. My two-fold HOPE: I have HOPE that I will be a mommy someday, but regardless of life's circumstances and whether or not we get pregnant, we will HOPE in Him alone.

This has been a SUPER long post but I want to end it with two verses I'm currently claiming:

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer."

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE we profess, for He who has promised is faithful."

Stay tuned for more 'real' posts about my/our journey. :)