Pure Joy

Last Sunday, September 9, our pastor began a sermon series in James, with the first installment entitled "Suffering" over James 1:1-18. 

Our good friend Derek Watson, owner of Lampstand Media, was asked to put together a video of Tom and I to pair with part of the sermon. Derek wanted to capture our trial of infertility. I REALLY don't like seeing or hearing myself like this, but I am so glad we have part of our story captured by an incredibly talented documentary filmmaker such as Derek.

To watch the video, please go here: James 1:2-4 on Vimeo. In case you are interested in seeing the sermon notes from this sermon, follow this link or click on the image below.

James 1:1-18 [NIV]

James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: Greetings.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their position. But the rich should take pride in the humiliation--since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created." 

This Year

Today, on this first day of the year, I have been thinking on the things that will be in 2012.  Although, I can't help but revisit this time 1 year ago as 2011 was beginning. Tom and I were sitting in a booth one evening on a date at Cheesecake Factory discussing our thoughts on the new year. On that date I presented my theme of HOPE for 2011. I wanted to focus on practicing the discipline of constantly realigning my HOPE in Christ alone, regardless of life's circumstances.  I also presented that I still had the hope of having a child, but that specific hope was not my foundation.

I can assure you, although 2011 began with much HOPE, it was quickly met with repeated heartache, disappointment, and struggles that undoubtedly caused my HOPE to wax and wane.  The 4 fertility treatments we started the year with did not work.  We moved on to more aggressive treatments and I did not have a child in 2011.  BUT, the burden of infertility was lifted and we learned that we will have 2 children in 2012!  I still carry infertility with me in my heart, it doesn't just go away as soon as that test turns positive.  I can still empathize 100% with those still in the throes of infertility's pain. I still carry the journey and the lessons that the Lord taught me as I was waiting.  Let me just say with a sincere heart, God is faithful.  I do not say He is faithful just because He answered my specific prayer.  He would still be faithful even if He chose not to.  I'd like to borrow some phraseology from one of my favorite hymns [Great is Thy Faithfulness] to convey why He is faithful:

He changes not

His compassions fail not

As He has been, He forever will be

He pardons our sin

His peace endures

He provides strength for today

And a bright HOPE for tomorrow

I am excitedly greeting 2012 with open arms.  This year I will celebrate 6 years of marriage to my best friend and we will meet our first 2 children.  I cannot wait to see what else is in store for us in the months ahead.

Happy New Year!

Struggles

I've always secretly envied people who lay their lives out like an open book on their blog. I struggle deeply with whether or not to share personal issues on my blog or to just keep it light-hearted. I wouldn't say I'm a closed-off super private person, but I'm not one to share my life story with any 'ol person behind me in the grocery store line either. And to share personal things on a blog is way more public than the grocery store; it's the World Wide Web for Pete's sake! It's so easy to just keep my blog content 'surface-y' and show you what recipes I like to make or what craft I just tackled. But for a while now I've longed to share what's REALLY going on in my life and how it is affecting me. My desired purposes in getting real and raw on my blog are to hopefully a.) Have a journal of sorts to document my 'journey'; b.) To encourage someone who can relate to my situation; and c.) To receive encouragement from someone who has been in my situation. I'm sitting here at my keyboard at an impasse, how to do I jump into being real and raw after not being so?

Let me begin by saying the journey I previously referred to is my struggle with unexplained infertility. My husband and I have been on this infertility journey for a little over 2 years now. THIS. IS. HUGE. If you have never experienced infertility, it is hard for me to explain and thoroughly convey the complexities of it. For starters, it is a dark thing that brings with it a feeling of being trapped. One thing it has trapped me into is silence. It's not really great fodder for conversation and it has the potential to make things really awkward. People don't know how to react or what to say about it, so I've found sometimes it's just easier to not talk about it. Plus when you do open up and talk about it, you run the risk of hearing people say some really platitudinal things to you. For example: "Don't stress about it so much and it will happen;" or "Maybe if you start the adoption process you'll get pregnant;" or "You've got plenty of time, you are still so young."

First of all, telling someone who is going through the emotional pain of infertility along with the physical aspects of infertility [the initial fertility testing, injectable medications, frequent doctor visits, numerous invasive ultrasounds, massive amounts of blood work, etc., etc.] not to stress is a little trite. Ha, if only it were that easy. I want to sarcastically respond, "Thanks for the advice, I hadn't thought of that!"

Second, telling someone who is struggling with infertility to start the adoption process only in hopes of getting pregnant is THE ABSOLUTE WRONG reason to begin the adoption process. I will go no further on that topic.

Lastly, the "You're still young" comment is not comforting or helpful. Yes, I may be in my late 20's, but even with that on my side, I'm still experiencing infertility. And if I have to try for several more years to find an answer or a treatment that works for me, then I won't be so "young" anymore. What if it takes me 3 more years to have our 1^st child? There is no telling how long it may take to have children after that. I'm actually very glad that we chose to start trying for a family in our mid 20's, it would be an even bigger race against my biological clock if we had decided to wait until our 30's to start trying. Regardless of my age, my heart's desire is to be a mommy and nurture a child. When that desire fills your heart, but your arms and womb remain empty, it doesn't matter if you are a spring chicken or not – you can't put an age on that.

I didn't mean for this post to turn into a soapbox rant, but this has proven to be therapeutic, another added benefit to blogging about my journey. :) I have been extremely challenged in this journey. I am a Type A/Planner by nature and let's just say this was NOT in my plans. God has been stretching me and teaching me through all of this, I know that through adversity comes strength.

While my husband and I were on a date in the beginning of January 2011, I told him I wanted to choose the two-fold theme of HOPE for this year. I felt that focusing on a theme/discipline for the year sounded less intimidating than making a resolution. I debated whether or not to tell him what I'd chosen for fear that he would think it was intangible and silly. But he was so supportive and wanted to join with me. So, together as our little family of 2, we decided that we would practice the discipline of constantly realigning our HOPE in the Lord. My two-fold HOPE: I have HOPE that I will be a mommy someday, but regardless of life's circumstances and whether or not we get pregnant, we will HOPE in Him alone.

This has been a SUPER long post but I want to end it with two verses I'm currently claiming:

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer."

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE we profess, for He who has promised is faithful."

Stay tuned for more 'real' posts about my/our journey. :)

The American Dream

I'm currently being challenged in a few areas of my life due to a study I'm walking through entitled Interrupted by Jen Hatmaker. The study began with a look at the contradicting concepts of the American Dream (AD) and the Gospel.

Let me just borrow a page out of Wikipedia in order to sum up the concept of the AD:

The American Dream, sometimes in the phrase "Chasing the American Dream," is a national ethos of the United States in which freedom includes a promise of prosperity and success. In the American Dream, first expressed by James Truslow Adams in 1931, citizens of every rank feel that they can achieve a "better, richer, and happier life."^[1] The idea of the American Dream is rooted in the second sentence of the Declaration of Independence which states that "all men are created equal" and that they are "endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights" including "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."^[2]

Home ownership is sometimes used as a proxy for achieving the promised prosperity; ownership has been a status symbol separating the middle classes from the poor.^[3] Sometimes the Dream is identified with success in sports or how working class immigrants seek to join the American way of life.^[4]

Sounds good right? Nothing wrong with wanting success and a nice comfortable life right?

The concept of the Interrupted study is to interrupt this pursuit of the AD, and realign our perspective, attitudes, and ideas into those that are compatible with an eternal mindset. You see, the AD is a set of goals completely focused on one’s self without regard to others. While the focus of the gospel is the exact opposite, dying to self and pouring out your life in service to Christ, the needy, the outcasts, and fellow believers.

Watch this video for a preview of Interrupted, but BE WARNED:

“… Interrupted will frustrate you, make you uncomfortable, and challenge your sensibilities. It’s the Bible study no one wants to do because everything might have to change.” – http://threadsmedia.com

 Wikipedia Footnotes: [1] Cullen, 2004, p. 6. [2] Kamp, David (April 2009). "Rethinking the American Dream". Vanity Fair. http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2009/04/american-dream200904. Retrieved June 20, 2009. [3] William M. Rohe and Harry L. Watson, Chasing the American Dream: New Perspectives on Affordable Homeownership (2007) [4] Thomas M. Tarapacki, Chasing the American Dream: Polish Americans in SportsThe Boys from Little Mexico: A Season Chasing the American Dream (2010) is a true story of immigrant boys on a high school soccer team who struggle not only in their quest to win the state championship, but also in their desire to adapt as strangers in a new land. (1995); Steve Wilson.

Repitition

We humans are stubborn and thick headed (this is no revelation) and we sometimes don't clue into things until we encounter the same thing over and over. What I'm referring to is when God really wants to teach me something, it appears over and over in various ways. God often uses repetition to get His point across.

What He has been reminding me is that I am not meant to bear my own burdens.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

I've recently been reading through the book of Matthew and I just got to Chapter 11 today. I know the above verses well, but the message of these verses has been sent to me via several mediums lately. Each time it arrives in my heart, it is perfect timing.

Last Tuesday, on the way to a Dr.'s appointment when I was feeling weak and weary, I turned on the radio and the DJ was speaking this verse. It was just what I needed. Tuesday night after Tom and I were sharing our day with each other, Tom played the Watermark song "Captivate Us" for us to reel ourselves in and focus. The bridge in the song quotes Matthew 11:30. In Sunday School yesterday when Vickey Banks was teaching, we read the referenced passage and she reiterated that we are not meant to go it alone. She stated that we are not truly resting in God if we are weary from our burdens.

All of that was a precursor to me reading that passage again today when I providentially came to Chapter 11. So, let's count how many times God brought the same message to me.

1. Tuesday afternoon
2. Tuesday night
3. Sunday morning
4. Monday morning

His word is powerful and His timing is perfect.