Friday, April 15, 2011

Signs of HOPE

Since the beginning of the year I have acquired several tangible reminders of my theme of HOPE. The first one I acquired was on the 70% off shelf after Christmas at Hobby Lobby. After I settled on the theme, I wanted something to set out in my room so that every time I looked at it, I would remember where my HOPE lies.


My sweet friend gave me this Urban Soul sign inspired by Hebrews 6:19 "We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..." It is displayed on a wall shelf in my living room.


I purchased this necklace for myself from the vintage pearl. It's kind of hard to read below, but it simply says [hope.] with one freshwater pearl hanging next to it.


While I was comparison shopping for HOPE necklaces online, I found a necklace by lisa leonard designs with an Emily Dickinson quote on it. This was my inspiration for the word art below (which I've blogged about before over here). I have it displayed in the bumped out window ledge in our office.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Timeline


I'm still struggling with being really personal on here, but God has definitely used some of you lovelies to really encourage me since my last post. For that, I am more grateful than you will ever know. I want to map out a timeline of our journey. I know mapping out a timeline of something you are struggling with seems a little odd…why would you want to remember the details of something painful? My reasoning: I don't want to forget where I've been, what God has taught me through this, and where He's brought me. I'm a list maker, and a timeline is a list of sorts, right? Bottom line, if I don't make lists - I get sidetracked and forgetful. :/ I am out of my comfort zone sharing the details below, but I know that I've been ministered to by reading the blogs of others who have struggled with infertility. It would be an honor if by stepping out of my comfort zone to share these personal things, I could help someone who is walking this journey too.
December 2008: Tom and I were preparing for a 2 week mission trip to Cambodia with a team from our church. We had decided a few months prior that we were ready to start a family but wanted to wait until after we got back from Cambodia. Since it was decided, I did not refill my birth control prescription at the end of December 2008.
January 2009 - December 2009: We got back from Cambodia and tried unsuccessfully for a year. [*Side Note, if you are under the age of of 30ish with no pre-existing medical conditions, most doctors don't want to see you for fertility until you've tried on your own for a year.]
January 2010: After a year with no results, we visited my OB/GYN for a fertility consult. She scheduled some blood tests and a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test for me and an analysis for Tom.
February 2010: The HSG was completed and my results were perfectly normal. Tom's analysis was completed with normal results too. With the news that we were 'normal,' we continued trying on our own. [*Side Note, after being told by our health insurance company that fertility testing would be covered, we learned after-the-fact that they would not honor what they had previously told us. Neither Fertility Testing nor Treatments are covered by our health insurance company.]
June 2010: We had another appointment and more blood work with my OB/GYN to discuss our next steps. At that point my doctor decided I may have a luteal phase defect and she put me on 6 months of progesterone therapy.
October 2010: Tom and I decided that we would not exhaust all 6 months of the progesterone therapy because it wasn't proving to be successful. I then contacted the Department of Reproductive Medicine at OU Physicians to set up an appointment with a Fertility Specialist. This was a scary step for me because as I mentioned earlier, our health insurance would not cover anything fertility related. Reaching this point took a lot of soul searching, praying, and discussion.
November 2010: Tom and I had an appointment with our specialist, Dr. Karl Hansen, at OU on November 23rd. During the appointment we discussed at length the results of all of our previous testing and our plan of action for future fertility treatments. Due to the course of action that my regular OB/GYN took with us, we would soon be able to begin a treatment plan with Dr. Hansen without having to be stalled for the preliminary fertility testing through OU. He informed us that because we fall into the 'unexplained fertility' category and we had been trying for over a year, we qualified to participate in a clinical trial by Yale University called AMIGOS. This trial consists of fertility treatments called IUIs in conjunction with 3 different fertility medications. Regardless of whether or not we participated in the study, Dr. Hansen told us that his plan for us would be 4 rounds of IUIs in conjunction with a fertility medication (it is standard procedure for couples in our situation to begin with IUI treatments).
The kicker to participating in the AMIGOS trial is, ALL COSTS ARE COVERED - THERE ARE NO COSTS FOR US AS PARTICIPANTS! Also, the trial allows for up to 4 rounds of IUIs. This is a HUGE blessing from God that we were not facing the financial burden of paying for 1 to possibly 4 rounds of IUIs!! We decided to participate in the trial and we rejoiced in this gift we had been given.
December 2010: We took some breathing time to process everything and try to live as normal as possible until the trial started. I also went into OU for some preliminary base-line blood work before the trial began.
January 2011: We went into OU the first week of January for our first trial appointment. A computer randomized me to the type of medication I would be taking leading up to the IUI procedure. I was randomized to an injectable FSH medication (which is the strongest medication in the trial). From this point on, the FSH is the only medication I will take in this trial. This was good news to me that we were working with the "good stuff." [*Each of the 3 medications used in the trial are currently being used and are safe medications for the treatment of infertility. None are of them are new and dangerous, and none of them are placebos.]
We started our shots on January 7th, and had the IUI procedure on January 14th. Towards the end of January, we found out that Round 1 did not work. We also got the bad news that we could not immediately progress with Round 2 because of a minor setback with my body. Due to the setback, we were ordered to take a resting month (a month w/o treatment) before Round 2.
February 2011: At the end of February we started the shots for Round 2. [*Side Note, we celebrated our 5th Wedding Anniversary on the 25th of February!]
March 2011: On March 10th we had our 2nd IUI. In the third week of March we found out Round 2 did not work. My body had the same setback/reaction again which required another resting month.
April 2011: And here we are now, April 13th, just resting from treatments and waiting to begin Round 3.
Whew, that was a lot of detail to recall! And to those who have read up to this point, bravo for sticking with the run on sentences! But, I'm glad I have this all typed out and in once place now. I also want to note, we LOVE Dr. Hansen, Dr. Craig, our nurse Michelle, and the whole staff up at OU's Department of Reproductive Medicine. Having a good team of doctors and nurses to help you through this kind of thing is a tremendous blessing.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Struggles

I've always secretly envied people who lay their lives out like an open book on their blog. I struggle deeply with whether or not to share personal issues on my blog or to just keep it light-hearted. I wouldn't say I'm a closed-off super private person, but I'm not one to share my life story with any 'ol person behind me in the grocery store line either. And to share personal things on a blog is way more public than the grocery store; it's the World Wide Web for Pete's sake! It's so easy to just keep my blog content 'surface-y' and show you what recipes I like to make or what craft I just tackled. But for a while now I've longed to share what's REALLY going on in my life and how it is affecting me. My desired purposes in getting real and raw on my blog are to hopefully a.) Have a journal of sorts to document my 'journey'; b.) To encourage someone who can relate to my situation; and c.) To receive encouragement from someone who has been in my situation. I'm sitting here at my keyboard at an impasse, how to do I jump into being real and raw after not being so?

Let me begin by saying the journey I previously referred to is my struggle with unexplained infertility. My husband and I have been on this infertility journey for a little over 2 years now. THIS. IS. HUGE. If you have never experienced infertility, it is hard for me to explain and thoroughly convey the complexities of it. For starters, it is a dark thing that brings with it a feeling of being trapped. One thing it has trapped me into is silence. It's not really great fodder for conversation and it has the potential to make things really awkward. People don't know how to react or what to say about it, so I've found sometimes it's just easier to not talk about it. Plus when you do open up and talk about it, you run the risk of hearing people say some really platitudinal things to you. For example: "Don't stress about it so much and it will happen;" or "Maybe if you start the adoption process you'll get pregnant;" or "You've got plenty of time, you are still so young."

First of all, telling someone who is going through the emotional pain of infertility along with the physical aspects of infertility [the initial fertility testing, injectable medications, frequent doctor visits, numerous invasive ultrasounds, massive amounts of blood work, etc., etc.] not to stress is a little trite. Ha, if only it were that easy. I want to sarcastically respond, "Thanks for the advice, I hadn't thought of that!"

Second, telling someone who is struggling with infertility to start the adoption process only in hopes of getting pregnant is THE ABSOLUTE WRONG reason to begin the adoption process. I will go no further on that topic.

Lastly, the "You're still young" comment is not comforting or helpful. Yes, I may be in my late 20's, but even with that on my side, I'm still experiencing infertility. And if I have to try for several more years to find an answer or a treatment that works for me, then I won't be so "young" anymore. What if it takes me 3 more years to have our 1st child? There is no telling how long it may take to have children after that. I'm actually very glad that we chose to start trying for a family in our mid 20's, it would be an even bigger race against my biological clock if we had decided to wait until our 30's to start trying. Regardless of my age, my heart's desire is to be a mommy and nurture a child. When that desire fills your heart, but your arms and womb remain empty, it doesn't matter if you are a spring chicken or not – you can't put an age on that.

I didn't mean for this post to turn into a soapbox rant, but this has proven to be therapeutic, another added benefit to blogging about my journey. :) I have been extremely challenged in this journey. I am a Type A/Planner by nature and let's just say this was NOT in my plans. God has been stretching me and teaching me through all of this, I know that through adversity comes strength.

While my husband and I were on a date in the beginning of January 2011, I told him I wanted to choose the two-fold theme of HOPE for this year. I felt that focusing on a theme/discipline for the year sounded less intimidating than making a resolution. I debated whether or not to tell him what I'd chosen for fear that he would think it was intangible and silly. But he was so supportive and wanted to join with me. So, together as our little family of 2, we decided that we would practice the discipline of constantly realigning our HOPE in the Lord. My two-fold HOPE: I have HOPE that I will be a mommy someday, but regardless of life's circumstances and whether or not we get pregnant, we will HOPE in Him alone.

This has been a SUPER long post but I want to end it with two verses I'm currently claiming:

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer."

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the HOPE we profess, for He who has promised is faithful."

Stay tuned for more 'real' posts about my/our journey. :)