Thursday, December 15, 2011

Crying

I mentioned in my 12 week update that I would post about a crying story...it goes as follows:

One of my friends who is a worship leader at my church, Julie, asked Tom and I to help her lead worship on Sunday, December 11.  She is an extremely talented musician and I always love singing with her.  Around 7am on the morning of the 11th, myself along with several other vocalists and the rest of the worship band began rehearsing.  We rehearsed a combination of worship songs and traditional Christmas songs.  One of the Christmas songs Julie chose was "Away in a Manger."  She had asked that I begin the song by singing the first verse as a solo.  "Sure thing," I told her.

We got to the point in rehearsal where it was time to practice "Away in a Manger."  Julie said she would probably say a prayer before the song, then I would come in after the intro.  The band proceeded to play the intro and I attempted to sing the first verse.  But I couldn't get it out.  I got all out of breath and started tearing up and my voice got really wobbly.  I stopped and apologized to Julie.  She looked at me and another friend/fellow singer, Suzy, looked at  me and they both started to realize why I was getting emotional.  

Julie asked me if I wanted to share my news with the whole worship team so they would be clued in on why I was emotional and I told her to go ahead and share since I was clearly unstable.  So, Julie shared with the team and I turned around and made eye contact with Tom, who was playing bass behind me.  He had this befuddled look on his face. He couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and why in the world I'd be crying.  [Later, after rehearsal, he said, "What happened?? You didn't get this way when you rehearsed this song at home??"] After the post-announcement buzz died down, I looked at Julie and said, "Don't worry, I'll get it in the service."  Then she said, "Well, if you don't, just look at me or Karlie (her daughter) and we'll pick up where you can't."

As the 10:45am service began, I honestly thought I'd be okay when it came time for my verse of the song. But once again, after the intro began to play, my heart started thumping rapidly and emotion began to take over.  Julie started the song [because I think she knew I would lose it again] but then I came in too, so she dropped off and I continued to sing but I only got to the word "crib." Which as you know, is only the 6th word into the song.  "Away in a manger, no crib..."  I pulled the mic away from my mouth and Karlie and Julie took over.  And for the rest of the 3 verses of the song, tears continued to stream down my face.  I  just couldn't pull myself together.  So there I was, vulnerably standing on the stage of the sanctuary in front of everyone in the 10:45am worship service, weeping like a crazy lady.  

I was weeping tender tears of joy out of praise and thanksgiving.  I can't really even explain it in words.  Most people who know I'm pregnant probably just chalked it up to me being hormonal.  Those that don't know I'm pregnant probably thought something was wrong or that I was sad.  

Never before have I approached Christmas as a pregnant mommy-to-be. Carrying two precious lives inside of me struck a new chord with me as I really let myself think about "Away in a Manger" as a sweet lullaby about [baby] Jesus. My perspective is already changing as I have begun seeing the world through the eyes of  a mom.   I've also been thinking more and more about sweet young Mary carrying the son of God, now that I can identify with carrying a child[ren].  I can't even comprehend how she must have felt.

I just want to close with the words to the that sweet lullaby:

Away in a Manger

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed
The little Lord Jesus laid down His sweet head
The stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay
The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay

The cattle are lowing, the poor baby wakes
But little Lord Jesus no crying He makes
I love Thee, Lord Jesus look down from the sky
And stay by my side 'til morning is nigh

Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever and love me I pray
Bless all the dear children in thy tender care
And take us to heaven to live with Thee there

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2 comments:

  1. Sara, On Sunday when you started singing Away in a manager and then started crying I have to tell you after following your blog and knowing your news and the journey (as much as you have shared on here) I started crying with you. Just wanted you to know that I thought that you did a great job on Sunday and I think it was a great song for you to sing especially since you are carrying two of God's children.

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  2. I missed this service but I probably would've been crying right there with you.

    When I was carrying Colin (due in Jan) Stephen and I went to church and they had dancers and singers for a special Christmas service. Let's just say I had an ugly cry on the top row when they started singing Mary Did You Know?. I still can't make it through that song to this day.

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